Life is a drama

I've never understood suicide. Even in the depressions of adolescence, when drink and drugs became my friends, I did not understand suicide. I suppose the foundation in church and accepting Jesus at the age of 10 may have given me just enough protection not to contemplate going in that direction. I open the blog with these thoughts because we buried my brother in law David D, who took his own life a couple of weeks ago. He left behind my baby sister and two really cute kids. I believe he is with our Lord now, but his premature departure from this life, I believe is because he forgot who he was, and more importantly "Whose" he was. We sing a praise song in church that says " I know who I am, I am Yours and You are mine, Jesus you are mine." This is an important thing to know.

I've experience many seasons walking close with God, and even more separated from God. In the times of separation, it was always me that moved away or drifted away. God is always faithfully present. Each week when I open our Sunday school class is the same. I say "God is a gentleman. He only comes when invited, He only stays where He is welcome, and He will not take anything from us that we won't let go of."
This is a great truth, and it is so simple, it seems impossible to learn and live this truth.

In my journey thru life so far there have been many dark places. In those dark places selfishness led me to fear, anger, resentments, jealosies, worries, and other things which led to alcoholism, lying, illness to near death, and financial calamity. Having identified and faced these defects of my character, and surrendered them to an all powerful and completely trustworthy God, I no longer walk in the darkness. I live in an incredible world of light, and am amazed at what God has done and is doing in me, for me, and thru me. I look around at other people who are walking in the light after a long journey thru the darkness and we see the miracles that we are. I also see that darkness isn't limited to those of us with chemical addictions. The darkness can be just as deadly in people pleasers, perfectionists, low self esteemers. Fear is a deadly cancer that basicly stems from a lack of trust in God. I wish I could bestow the freedom I experience daily by just waving my hands or something. But it all goes back to the fact that God is a gentleman.

Today I have been sober 1,408 days. That is so cool.

Monday I rode to the Wichita mountains in Oklahoma and ate a hamburger with a couple of friends. We then rode to the top of Mount Scott, the third highest mountain in Oklahoma. The view was spectacular. I had to be at work on Tuesday so I rode home alone. Total miles was 523. I couldn't have experienced or enjoyed that 1,409 days ago. God is always good.

Keep the shiny side up.

Wild at heart

It may or may not be true, but I believe I was born wild. Most men probably are. These men I understand. I have always questioned authority, sometimes successfully, the other times I learned. Not always on the first try, though. I got married at a very early age, and stayed married to the girl I wanted, who I suppose God chose for me. I've never wanted another woman, and I honestly cannot see myself with anyone else ever again. Thanks God, good job.

I rode with the guys to Stonewall a couple of weeks ago. It was great fun. One of the great things about a motorcycle is that it has one seat. The fellowship was fun, but I was most happy riding down the road with the wind in my face and the voice of God in my ears. Our host on this trip had a "plan" for the weekend which included routes and meals....It worked out ok. I rode some 750 miles over the weekend, but could have easily done over 1,000. I would probably go every where alone, but the "buddy system" is a good idea, in the event something bad happens. Its also a good idea when something awesome happens.

Sometimes I feel how an old testament prophet must feel. I could just disappear into the wilderness for awhile, come back and tell everyone "thus says the Lord" and get on the road again. My life is not as cluttered as it was when I drank. The more I simplify the closer I feel to God, and the wildness in me comes closer to the surface. God likes me simple. He has given me great power which I must use only for good. He has gifted us all with power, but must of us don't know it or believe it. I love the wild things God shows me. Like the "light shows" of thunder and lighting, with powerful winds. The first rays of sun painting the sky shades of colors that can only be experienced, not described. The shadows on the ground as the sun sets in the west. I've seen it all in one day.

Now, because God is good, and has blessed me, I get to come home from my adventures in the wilderness to the woman He gave me. Then I get to enjoy my children, grandson, and the others He has placed me in a position to serve. Because it is not about me, and in that realization I find peace. It has been 1,391 days since my last drink.

Keep the shiny side up.

Motorcycle regatta

This weekend is the 4th annual Invitational Motorcycle Regatta in Stonewall Texas. I've been looking forward to this weekend. As it stands now there will be 5 motorcycles and one classic car. That is sufficient numbers. Not long after I started riding again, I joined the CMA. I soon discovered that crowds are still not my thing. A hand full of guys with similar riding skills makes for a fun, non-stressful time. Too many riders that I don't know make me nervous. In the last couple of weeks there have been motorcycles all over town. These guys seem to only ride when the weather is perfect. I wonder where they are the rest of the time. I guess I've become a snob, because I ride every day that it is not icy or already flooding when I leave the house. Riding every day has honed my skills, and I believe that I am a safer rider. I also pray everyday, a lot. I ask God for His protection, and an extra dose of it should my skills fail. This is important.

I have a new (used at the pawn shop) camera that should capture some cool scenery. My trouble with pictures, is I hate to stop once the ride begins. This time I'll try a little harder. Today marks 1,371 days without a drink. That is so cool. It's like the "drinking me" was a whole other guy whose memories I have. It is too wierd for words.

Keep the shiny side up

Paved with good intentions

I hear tell the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Every time I ever landed in trouble, good intentions were involved. I try not to intend anymore. I am rarely successful at not intending, though my intentions aren't enough to land me in trouble like they used to. My mouth, however has a mind of its own it seems.

Maybe, just maybe, by writing this down I will do a little better at controlling what I say. I never intend to hurt the feelings of others, especially those I love. There must be a mean streak in me that is fueled by my selfishness which causes me to say hurtful things to others, when things aren't going to suit me. I am going to try to "don't say anything, if I can't say something good" daily. I hope my selfishness doesn't turn me into a mute. That is enough inventory for today.

Friday, I rode to Lowake, Tx and ate a chicken fried steak dinner, rode on to San Angelo and looked for a place that sells really good sausage, but didn't find it. Then I rode home thru Nolan and Buffalo Gap. That was about 280 fun miles. Saturday evening I rode with a couple of guys to Lueders, to a candlelight service.
Sunday was church most of the day. My friend David emailed me about our upcoming motorcycle adventure in the hill country. Anticipation is a wonderful thing.

So, all that brings to mind wonderful things. There are lots of them in my life, such as: the love of a beautiful and good woman, slobbery kisses from a grandson, beautiful daughters, good friends, 1,363 days of sobriety, a fine motorcycle, having a job that helps others, warm homemade bread, good books, the Good Book, and a God that loves me, and always has my back.

Keep the shiny side up.

What's my excuse?

Adam was henpecked, Noah was a drunk, Abraham was too old, Isaac was a dreamer, Jacob was a liar, Joseph was abused, Moses stuttered, Gideon was afraid, Samson was a womanizer, Rahab was a hooker, Jeremiah and Timothy were too young, David had an affair and was a murderer, Elijah was suicidal, Isaiah preached naked, Jonah ran from God, Naomi was a widow, Job went bankrupt, John the Baptist ate bugs, Peter denied Christ, the disciples fell asleep while praying, Martha worried about everything, Paul was a religious fanatic, and Lazarus was dead.

So now I reflect on the coulda, woulda, shouldas in my life. What kind of man do I want to be? I don't recall thinking about this at the beginning of my journey into manhood. I wish someone had given me a "boy to man" talk like Robert Duvall did in the movie "Secondhand Lions". I wish I would have listened, if the talk were given to me. I was fortunate to have a good example of what a man should be in my father. He was a hard worker, respected, honest, a loving husband and father. He wasn't much of a talker though. He was overseas during my teen years when I discovered the alcohol and drugs. But that is yesterday's news.

Beginning in those teen years, I had to be different people. The dedicated employee at work, the loving husband and father at home, the party animal with my friends, and the Christian at church. Wearing this many masks cannot be good for anyone, and it's by God's grace that I and those I love survived. I'm glad I did not have sons, as I would never want them to become the kind of man I was.

I'm told that daughters want to marry a man like their dad. Apparently my flaws were hidden well enough that they managed to marry decent young men. My Bible teaches me that we all have a purpose in this world. For a long time I was lost, kind of like a ship without a rudder. I've discovered that I need the company of good men around me, in order to become the man I want to be.

I'm really thankful for second chances and do-overs. Sobriety has given me perspective on the seasons of life and the knowledge that what's done is done, but today brings new hope and new opportunities for growth. I had no idea that life could be this good. This life is good because God is good. Today is good because God made it. I am not perfect, and based on the Bible characters in the paragraph above, nobody else is. God uses imperfect people to fulfill His perfect plan, and we all have a part and purpose in that plan. The trick, I think, to successful living lies in being willing to let go and let God use me however He wants to. I need to be honest with myself, and surround myself with good men who know me well enough to hold me accountable when I show signs of going off course.

Today is my 1,353rd day without a drink. That makes me glad.

Keep the shiney side up.

One day at a time

My Big Book tells me that my disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful. As I reflect on the past 1,349 days, it occurs to me that today is all I really have. Each of us has today. Today is enough for me. Today is the first day of daylight savings time, which is the beginning of the good part of riding season. I'm not really sure what riding season is though, since I ride every day. Today I went to church and did not teach Sunday School. That was different and weird, but cool, as I had the opportunity to learn from Bishop Rob. I like learning new things. I believe that as long as I can learn something new, and unlearn something wrong that I thought was true, then I will never grow old. My body might, but I won't.

A young grandmother in our church celebrated her first year of clean and sober time. Her whole family was there. I couldn't help but notice some of the toughest men I know, (brothers of mine) weeping tears of joy along with this young woman and her family. We too know what its like to be freed from bondage, and celebrating with one another never gets old.

Rob reminded me that opportunities from God are infinite or circular, and if we miss it this time, it will come around again. There is great hope in this. I'm grateful that God allowed me to live long enough to experience sobriety. Its not that hard for me today, if I 1)pray to God, 2)go to meetings, 3)read the Good Book and the Big book, 4) Help someone else 5) oh and NOT DRINK. Then that is a succesful day.

If somehow I screw up some part of my day, today, I can simply start over. Not tomorrow, but right now. That is a part of the freedom I now enjoy. I was also reminded that we are all in, or have been, in bondage to something. Only God has the power to set us free, but since He is a gentleman, He will not take anything from us that we won't let go of.

Each day has a supply of adventures and opportunities ready for me to experience. I don't want to miss out on what God has for me by regrets of yesterday or worries for tomorrow. Life is a journey on a winding and hilly road. I don't want to miss any of it, therefore I choose to ride on thru and collect some good memories, experience, and maybe a little wisdom that can help someone else on their journey.

Keep the shiny side up.

Riding sober

When I was a little boy, motocycles were the coolest thing on the planet. Girls had not yet been invented. At the age of 15 a brand new 1970 Honda 70 became my first vehicle. A new freedom entered my life that had been a distant dream until that moment. The world of adventure was now mine for the taking. I was ready to ride from coast to coast, though I don't think I ever made it more than 5 miles past the city limit sign. The adventure doesn't have limitations like miles or weather, the adventure is the experience. If you don't ride, then you don't know.

The age of 15 was pivotal for me. In a 12 month period I discovered motorcyles, got a drivers license (motorcycle then car), discovered girls were wonderfully different creatures, discovered alcohol and drugs. I had my first job, and have been employed ever since.

In 2010 I have a Honda VTX 1300R that I rode 508 miles yesterday. I kissed the girl I discovered in 1974 before I left and upon my return. I still have a job. There has been no alcohol in me for 1,340 days in a row, and I took 2 aspirin last night. Life is a greater adventure now, more than ever.

At age 15 I was a shy skinny boy full of fear and insecurities, and felt I did not fit in, although I could act like I did. At age 54, I am a confident fat man, with little or no fear. I fit in, because I know who I am, and whose I am. I still experience fear and insecurity, but only until I remember that God is in control and is supremely trustworthy, and surender those fears to Him. Riding and God are a lot alike. If you don't ride then you don't know. If you don't know God, then you have no clue. Not everyone can or should experience the adventure and experience of the open road on a bike, but everyone should and can experience the adventure and experience of a life submitted to an awesome God who loves us more than we can possibly imagine.

Keep the shiny side up.